Archive for the ‘Tech Humor’ Category
Needs No Introduction
Tuesday, September 13th, 2011More Techie Humor
Thursday, August 5th, 2010ID Ten T Error
Thursday, July 22nd, 2010Today’s post on my joke blog should strike home with readers of this blog.
An Alternative to RUP
Monday, March 29th, 2010I wrote this a long time ago on a Blackberry in a fit of frustration on a project…it still cracks me up
In an effort to reduce the strain on some clients who seem to have difficulty adopting the RUP process, I present to you an alternative methodology based on a model of what they’ve accomplished in the past and continue to strive for in the present.
First, schedule the project. Any project worth doing should have a deadline, and this needs to be set immediately after coming up with a catchy-yet-vague project name. Really import projects require the deadline to be set before the project is named.
Once a completion date is set, work backwards to build a full schedule. If the date is 6 months away, we know it takes as long to do QA as it did to code, so code freeze will be in 3 months. Everyone realizes that requirements need to be gathered, approvals gained, and designs considered, so let’s plan to do that at the same time. Just to make sure there is enough time to get it all done, give it 4 months. The math is clear: start the project last month.
Next, program something. Anything. We’ll find a use for it somewhere. Yes, we’ll give you requirements just as soon as we decide what the project is. And while you program, please create a design document to show that you used design. To make sure it is an accurate description, write it after you’re done coding. Also, please make all documents as boring as possible so others don’t waste valuable company time reading them.
Laugh maniacally to prove you are fully stressed. If you are stressed, then we have an accurate deadline. If you’re relaxed we obviously gave you too much time. If you’re just burnt out, you’re probably faking it. We have a perfect schedule, everything is on time, and if it’s not on time we can always change the requirements to be on time. We also reserve the right to change the requirements if we happen to feel like it. We’ll let you know critical changes during QA so you can add it in while you fix bugs.
Announce publicly the full functionality and the release date of the project. This should be done prior to QA. Also, to build public awareness and industry anticipation, announce that this service is availablet, program something. Anything. We’ll find a use for it somewhere. Yes, we’ll give you requirements just as soon as we decide what the project is. And while you program, please create a design document to show that you used design. To make sure it is an accurate description, write it after you’re done coding. Also, please make all documents as boring as possible so others don’t waste valuable company time reading them.
Laugh maniacally to prove you are fully stressed. If you are stressed, then we have an accurate deadline. If you’re relaxed we obviously gave you too much time. If you’re just burnt out, you’re probably faking it. We have a perfect schedule, everything is on time, and if it’s not on time we can always change the requirements to be on time. We also reserve the right to change the requirements if we happen to feel like it. We’ll let you know critical changes during QA so you can add it in while you fix bugs.
Announce publicly the full functionality and the release date of the project. This should be done prior to QA. Also, to build public awareness and industry anticipation, announce that this service is available now.
Test the application. Hey, we planned for QA early on, and we’re doing it! Be sure to only test the user experience, because this is all the public and our non-IT departments understand. If all of the data is wrong, that’s a production issue. The guys in production have nothing to do anyway, right?
Throw it away and try again. Nothing worked the way it was supposed to, no one uses the software, and we’ve identified a scapegoat (read “lead developer”). Bring in a consulting firm to fix it all. And remember, we have this process in place and we’ve used it before. It’s documented. So make sure the consultants follow this method.
Like any methodology, it needs a catchy acronym to be considered a real process, so lets look at what we do and see what it spells (we would never consider coming up with the acronym and then trying to make the process fit J):
Schedule
Program
Laugh insanely
Announce it’s finished
Test it
Throw it away.
So, there you go. As a viable alternative to the RUP process, I offer you…
SPLATT!
Blue Screen Haiku
Friday, March 12th, 2010Ed note: This was posted on my old site in 2004. Every time you think we are making progress in computing, read this 
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages:
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
————————-
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
————————–
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
—————————–
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
——————————
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
——————————–
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
———————————
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
———————————
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
——————————–
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
———————————
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
———————————
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
———————————
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
———————————
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
——————————–
Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
———————————
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Developing Software in a Sauna
Tuesday, September 8th, 2009There are cynics amongst us (if you are reading this, you should know that by now) who say that the most pleasurable part of a sauna is getting out of it and being relieved from the heat.
Coding software is like that, sometimes. You will always run across a bug in your software, or poor documentation, or an upgrade or language shift where all the things you expect to be there aren’t. So you bang your head against the wall until a solution falls out it (hopefully your head, though the wall has contributed on occasion). And then you stop banging your head and give it a final slap as you solve the problem. Then it feels good. So good, you wind up banging your head again in a few months/days/hours over another problem.
Scott Adams Nails it Again
Sunday, August 16th, 2009This will be considered a classic. It is relevant at least every three years… (Click the post title to see properly until I get around to customizing this blog more)
If Building Architects Had To Work Like IT Architects…
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009Confession: I’m buried in trainings and deliverables and recycling some material from my original catch-all blog.
This was forwarded to me today. Normally I would be concerned about copyright violation, but this is way too good not to share. If the unknown author ever contacts me I will happily take it down after thanking the person profusely for the best description of my job I could ever send to a layperson.
Dear Mr. Architect:
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdowns for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one at a later time.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don’t have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate (among other things) my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To assure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, you will need to contact each of my children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any decisions that you make.
Please don’t bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpeting. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the potential home buyers in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at the house my neighbor built last year, as we like it a great deal. It has many things that we feel we also need in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the construction cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can’t happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your ideas and completed plans.
Finally, I consider all of this work a demonstration of your qualifications (or lack thereof) and so of course do not expect to be billed for this.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I’ve given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can’t handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.